November.ninth.2009

The weekend was donesiiiesss, After a long filled weekend of thinking it was time for school again. The morning started with chamber nice and early, then my first block.. CHOIR. We learned about having "That moment" That important spiritual moment we get when we perform, then staying in the portable and talking to the grade eights about chamber and concert, I think I really got to them.. they were interested in what I was saying, which was very surprising. BREAK TIME! I waited by the doors for him, but he didnt come :( Maybe he went home sick? pssh whatever it's no big deal. Then going to religion we lead prayer and got everyone into the moment, and it was very very very very relaxing. LUNCH TIMEEEEE then came and he was here! but couldnt talk cause he had detention:( stupiiid fuck. haha After my friend told me that she and this guy I was seeing before like eachother.. and Usually I would care, but I really don't I'm happy for both of them. VERY happy:) But most of all because I have feelings for someone else.. and I think It's going good. I THINK.. I HOPE.. :) After going to writting.. here I am now. HAPPY. For the first time in a long long long time. Hopefully it stays like this.. cause That would be perfect
<3 . Even though I lost 2 friends.. I really wish them luck and happiness but Im really happy NOT because I lost them BUT because if I had really needed them I would feel it.. Im moving soon, and I wont have to deal with this highschool drama anymore. And for that moment i really can't wait :) I have my friends that are amazing, I have volleyball, I have my choir, and an amazing family, I feel like im not missing ANYTHING. Whatever anyone says Im perfectly happy, I know I may have my moments but who dosnt right? Eight months left baby.. I cant wait, but "THIS IS OUR YEAR GIRLS" will always stay in my memories.
"I love us"
<3 <3 <3 .

speechless..

Most of my blog posts are poetry.. and someone hit a soft spot and I blew up and wrote something very hurtful. I was taught to stand tall, and to never shrink down, and we really all have our moments when we need to blowout. and i did that exactly. I hurt someone, and I expressed my feelings in the wrong way. This is how I really feel.. I feel like I've lost a big part of my life. I lost a friend, a friend that put her boy infront of her friends. She may have not seen that but yeah she really did, and I still had the girls to be there for me, but still I had to see her at school. It's hard im not going to lie its fucking difficult, but when she looked me in the eyes today and said "I dont consider you a friend" really hit me, because I know feel like this is all my fault. When It's not. Were two different people, I speak my mind, and im not affraid to be STRAIGHT forward, and I did it in a wrong way but that blog post was for me to let out my anger. I believe I shouldnt have made it that big, but everyone is allowed an opinion. But what really sucks the most is seeing him just go to her and comfort her, while I just sit there and he could care less.. It really shows how I was never really there friends. This is how I FEEL.. and I really don't care what people think/say but this is my side of everything.

and for whoever I hurt with my last post.. I do appologize, but not because i have to much pride, but because I have always been a real friend. That's all.

things change

Things change, people change
but so fast, so soon its strange.
Were leaving,
and those diplomas were soon recieving.
And together as this whole?
I feel like i havnt completly reached this goal.
I miss school, I shut them out.
and always I doubt.
I wait for the weekend, so I can drink.
But as soon as I *BLINK*
There I am passed out on that floor.
and I think I can handle more.
The thing that means the most, that singing.
and my part im deffinelty not bringing.
That surgery im getting,
that volleyball im setting.
and those friends, Im slowly letting go..
I can't, I won't, I promise It won't show.
The months are passing quick,
less than eight months left, I feel sick.
All I know is it's time,
time to watch these moments, make them prime.
Letting go of the fakes,
and never keeping my eyes off the high stakes.
This is almost done, and boy I can't wait.
No more bumps, no more hills from here? It's all straight.

Not important enough.

I've never been important enough. In my school, in a sport, in any activity, or even in my own fucking house. Noone believes in me enough noone understands or cares how I feel. People are probably wondering why im being "emo" but really Im not emo at all. Noone understands how much pain im in. Since I was young I've had a fucked up foot, everyone who knows me knows that, and I could never get the surgery that I needed because I wasnt old enough. I've been waiting for this surgery my entire life, because of the pain emotionally but not only that but phisically. This foot kills me so much so much that I cry in the middle of the night when I wake up with pains. Noone really understands this.. and after seeing a doctor that says "It's finally time" It costs to much money. Usually we would be allowed to get this surgery and the money would not be an issue but the homes renovation comes before me, and my sisters dominican trip comes before me. It's really frustrating sitting on the bench watching my team play on that court when my foots so swelled up I can't play. Im moving to the states after this year, and won't be able to get it for another couple years. So my parents bring me to another hospital, this time the doctor says "maybe we could try something else other than surgery.. AND THERE I AM CRYING IN THE DOCTORS OFFICE because Noone once again understands how much this fucking kills me. Then after seeing the tears the doctor says okay we can do the surgery next year.. WAITING AND WAITING MORE AND MORE noone fucking understands.. There I will be on the sidelines still while I wait for this fucking surgery.. this is actually bullshit, but here we go again IM LAST. I dont need the surgery its fine im done this fucking shit..