I dont need anyone
I dont need someone to tell me ive won
I dont need someone to be listening
I dont need shit, I dont need this "sting"
I need someone that will hold me,
That would maybe act like I wasnt free.
Like I was important, maybe even loved..
Not like im being shoved.
Someone that will open the door,
and would never ever tell people when he "scored"
I need someone that would listen..
to me..
to my stories
to my life..
But most of all I want someone to care..
and to promise they'd swear.
Treat me with the respect I think I deserve.
cause right now it feels like some curve.
I wanna watch sports in his arms,
and know that he'd never harm.
I wanna go outside and play
and know he'd never leave, and always stay.
In the car we'd sing, and laugh.
and with me.. he'd never give half.
I'd say I love you and meen it.
and i would never say I quit.
Every dream I had he'd come with,
and id come first never second thrid forth or fifth.
His house id always be at, with his family playing games,
and when id mess up he would sometimes take the blame.
Most of all though.. I want a guy to care,
when Id get ready Id prepare.
So I look perfect for him,
even go to the gym.
When christmas would come Id never want anything but to be by his side,
Cause with me he'd never worry about his "pride"
But thats only a dream right?
Yeah this "dream" doesn't exist

Perfection

Random, and out of nowhere but so..
I dont know how to describe this feeling, the perfect word is "woah"
This feeling makes me feel warm inside.
feels like i have this thing in me, thats it.. pride.
The best feeling, a feeling I havnt felt in so long,
a feeling that makes me feel so strong.
I dont know what it is about him that makes me just wanna smile,
the smile that completly covers my face that goes a mile.
When he he puts that hand on my leg,
when I want something how he never makes me beg.
Or when he looks at me with those eyes,
or maybe its how he never tells me lies.
Im pretty sure its the way he says my name,
even though its a little lame..
Or maybe its cause hes weirder than me.
or maybe the way he hates "GLEE".
Those fights we get in,
when I say im fat he says your thin,
when he just looks at me, I feel the connection
To me the only word that comes to mind is.. perfection.
He means alot,
it could help that hes hot.
But most of all I love who he is, and what he's about.
cause when were together theres NEVER any doubt.
I wanna be with him.

November.ninth.2009

The weekend was donesiiiesss, After a long filled weekend of thinking it was time for school again. The morning started with chamber nice and early, then my first block.. CHOIR. We learned about having "That moment" That important spiritual moment we get when we perform, then staying in the portable and talking to the grade eights about chamber and concert, I think I really got to them.. they were interested in what I was saying, which was very surprising. BREAK TIME! I waited by the doors for him, but he didnt come :( Maybe he went home sick? pssh whatever it's no big deal. Then going to religion we lead prayer and got everyone into the moment, and it was very very very very relaxing. LUNCH TIMEEEEE then came and he was here! but couldnt talk cause he had detention:( stupiiid fuck. haha After my friend told me that she and this guy I was seeing before like eachother.. and Usually I would care, but I really don't I'm happy for both of them. VERY happy:) But most of all because I have feelings for someone else.. and I think It's going good. I THINK.. I HOPE.. :) After going to writting.. here I am now. HAPPY. For the first time in a long long long time. Hopefully it stays like this.. cause That would be perfect
<3 . Even though I lost 2 friends.. I really wish them luck and happiness but Im really happy NOT because I lost them BUT because if I had really needed them I would feel it.. Im moving soon, and I wont have to deal with this highschool drama anymore. And for that moment i really can't wait :) I have my friends that are amazing, I have volleyball, I have my choir, and an amazing family, I feel like im not missing ANYTHING. Whatever anyone says Im perfectly happy, I know I may have my moments but who dosnt right? Eight months left baby.. I cant wait, but "THIS IS OUR YEAR GIRLS" will always stay in my memories.
"I love us"
<3 <3 <3 .

speechless..

Most of my blog posts are poetry.. and someone hit a soft spot and I blew up and wrote something very hurtful. I was taught to stand tall, and to never shrink down, and we really all have our moments when we need to blowout. and i did that exactly. I hurt someone, and I expressed my feelings in the wrong way. This is how I really feel.. I feel like I've lost a big part of my life. I lost a friend, a friend that put her boy infront of her friends. She may have not seen that but yeah she really did, and I still had the girls to be there for me, but still I had to see her at school. It's hard im not going to lie its fucking difficult, but when she looked me in the eyes today and said "I dont consider you a friend" really hit me, because I know feel like this is all my fault. When It's not. Were two different people, I speak my mind, and im not affraid to be STRAIGHT forward, and I did it in a wrong way but that blog post was for me to let out my anger. I believe I shouldnt have made it that big, but everyone is allowed an opinion. But what really sucks the most is seeing him just go to her and comfort her, while I just sit there and he could care less.. It really shows how I was never really there friends. This is how I FEEL.. and I really don't care what people think/say but this is my side of everything.

and for whoever I hurt with my last post.. I do appologize, but not because i have to much pride, but because I have always been a real friend. That's all.

things change

Things change, people change
but so fast, so soon its strange.
Were leaving,
and those diplomas were soon recieving.
And together as this whole?
I feel like i havnt completly reached this goal.
I miss school, I shut them out.
and always I doubt.
I wait for the weekend, so I can drink.
But as soon as I *BLINK*
There I am passed out on that floor.
and I think I can handle more.
The thing that means the most, that singing.
and my part im deffinelty not bringing.
That surgery im getting,
that volleyball im setting.
and those friends, Im slowly letting go..
I can't, I won't, I promise It won't show.
The months are passing quick,
less than eight months left, I feel sick.
All I know is it's time,
time to watch these moments, make them prime.
Letting go of the fakes,
and never keeping my eyes off the high stakes.
This is almost done, and boy I can't wait.
No more bumps, no more hills from here? It's all straight.

Not important enough.

I've never been important enough. In my school, in a sport, in any activity, or even in my own fucking house. Noone believes in me enough noone understands or cares how I feel. People are probably wondering why im being "emo" but really Im not emo at all. Noone understands how much pain im in. Since I was young I've had a fucked up foot, everyone who knows me knows that, and I could never get the surgery that I needed because I wasnt old enough. I've been waiting for this surgery my entire life, because of the pain emotionally but not only that but phisically. This foot kills me so much so much that I cry in the middle of the night when I wake up with pains. Noone really understands this.. and after seeing a doctor that says "It's finally time" It costs to much money. Usually we would be allowed to get this surgery and the money would not be an issue but the homes renovation comes before me, and my sisters dominican trip comes before me. It's really frustrating sitting on the bench watching my team play on that court when my foots so swelled up I can't play. Im moving to the states after this year, and won't be able to get it for another couple years. So my parents bring me to another hospital, this time the doctor says "maybe we could try something else other than surgery.. AND THERE I AM CRYING IN THE DOCTORS OFFICE because Noone once again understands how much this fucking kills me. Then after seeing the tears the doctor says okay we can do the surgery next year.. WAITING AND WAITING MORE AND MORE noone fucking understands.. There I will be on the sidelines still while I wait for this fucking surgery.. this is actually bullshit, but here we go again IM LAST. I dont need the surgery its fine im done this fucking shit..

.THE ME.

This is me, im not used to this.

pouring my feelings, showing people who really exists.

Loud, Out there, Lazy.. Dixie. 

That's what people see. really its not me.

Being for real. Do people wanna know this one?

This "one" loves to act stupid, and laugh.

She does not like to give half.

This one dreams, big dreams.

This one wishes she was better maybe even to gleam.

To be independent she expects.

Confusing this one is, very complex.

Single forever she remains, but is in no rush.

This girl can sleep all day, and everyday her hair she must brush.

She is definitely her daddy's girl.

And she would always give anything a whirl.

Country music she always has on,

Best friend's she has five.

Her cross is always hung high and excellence she thrives.

She misses her grandmother with all her heart,

She concentrates on this finish line not the start.

This girl doesn't really open up like this,

and likes that she can write, open and reminisce.

This blog is she, and she feels like it's time,

time to help and concentrate on this climb.

.UNSTABLE.

All those dreams immediately came true.

As I lived that reality, I became small that I knew.

The people? Amazing, brilliant. Me... faded.

Im no leader, Im not 4.0, only degraded.

"Be a shepherd" "You don't know those notes."

Normal, silly, lazy.. ME. Not many votes.

Not recognized I now see. Why am I here?

Everyone had that chance as I learn to steer.

I soon see there's two.. this girl amazing also her second year.

As I hear her story I realize it's mine as I see a tear.

Everyone I see so smart, so bright.

This is all I have, all that's right.

Im loosing this game , & loosing grip of what I admire.

I listen to them all. All they do is inspire.

My chance finally came and im over sung.

I feel so little, so young.

A show, & all I hear is "You have a solo? I didn't hear."

And once again im lost, nothing's clear.

Testing had come, and as I stand shaking.I HEARD.

FIRST, not second and definitely not third.

As I look around everyone normal...

Me? So happy until I slowly came to the fact I feel like im nothing.. not so formal.

I walk away with this head hung so low.

Until she steps in "Shivers you gave me that belongs to you that solo"

That tear once again rolls down, but different a bright smile.

Maybe this girl does have hope? Maybe it's worthwhile.

My element. My thing. Un noticeable...

At this moment in time I pray I will not remain this unstable.

"THE WORST THING ABOUT SAYING GOODBYE TO SOMEONE IS HAVING TO DO IT EVERYDAY."

Wishing, praying she will come back
Filling in the empty cracks.
Only one that beleived in me.
Hoping someone will once get to know she.
"You can do it, i'm always here."
Always here? Bullshit she's nowhere near.
What am I saying? I miss her so much.
Her by my side her smile & her touch.
People say we look just alike.
First step done, second finished, up to the third strike.
I't out.. She's out.. Game is done.
She's gone, but though I wish I could of won.
Better places,
Better faces.
Without me? He had to end us.
I can't imagine life without fuss.
When she would yell at me,
but still the love, so free.
I miss her, & may lose another,
but never will I regret the love.
Memories, hope, never lost.
Always in my mind no matter what cost.

.NEXTSTEP.

Taking that step is the hardest decision this girl needs to make.

The platform, the stage, my dreams I wish I would not awake.

Those dreams are as big as a tree top,

but will this dream ever be reality? I hope it isn't a long drop.

Fading deeper, fading faster the real me is leaving.

I live on, I live high why be so deceiving?

As difficult as it may be, this life is a fast trip.

People never, but I hear forever. Im slowly losing grip.

All I have is my hopes and loves.

This isn't right, everyone just shoves.

Slowly walking higher im realizing, always competing.

Im lacking happiness, & gaining more fear, my heart wont ever stop beating.

The second I live & grow the faster I understand 

these dreams will never fade, I'll never leave that land.

No matter who I walk with, or where I go.

I will always follow where this heart leads everywhere it will show.

.PERFECT.

What is Perfect? Beautiful, Intelectual, powerful. Having to be this word to not

feel neglect. Being what everyone else wants to see. Being you is never enough.

No one will ever be free. Instead of shinning through,

you have a single scuff.

In life were taught to stand tall.

So why is it people make me feel so small?

Who really sets these standards so high?

Im finished with these tears & moving on this i won't deny.

To be beautiful is a state of mind.

If people can't see im beautiful inside they are blind.

I will no longer listen to people who put me down

but listen to my heart that will never make me frown.

.NEVER SAY NEVER.

There's some things we don't talk about
Rather do withoutAnd just hold the smile
Falling in and out of loveAshamed and proud of
Together all the while.
You can never say never
Why we dont know when
Time and time again
Younger now than we were before
Don't let me go
Don't let me go
Don't let me go
Picture you're the queen of everything
As far as the eye can see
Under your command
I will be your guardian
When all is crumbling
Steady your hand
You can never say never
Why we dont know when
Time, time and time again
Younger now then we were before
Don't let me goDon't let me go
Don't let me go
We're pulling apart and coming together again and again
We're growing apart but we pull it together,
pull it together, together again
Don't let me go
Don't let me go
Don't let me go

.FOR REAL.

This girl isnt looking back, only what's infront.
Forward, not behind. Easy to say, hard to climb the mount.
One step, next step. One infront of another one.
What I write is what I beleive, this little sum.
She taught me well, taught me to live.
I always feel like letting go. Like I have nothing else to give.
Missing that feeling, that feeling I used to feel.
Getting closser with these friends. Friendships as tough as steel.
Will letting go help find me?
Will finding me make this girl free?
Failure will come at times.
Success will quickly follow. Different feelings, all different kinds.
School is long seeing those faces.
Wishing for the moment when im home with different cases.
One year away from being finished this long game.
These faces will be remembered but this girl will always stay the same.
So many things to complete before im off.
Losing/Gaining/Finishing/Starting never forget these memories, so soft.
As I grow older I remember what she taught me.
My time will come people will soon realize this she.
Standing out, stanting tall, life is passing soon.
Im going to be that butterfly comming out of her cacoon.
The first step is hard but me i'll always be.
She, Her, The, Me...Dixie.

.GAMEOVER.

Friends? The simple definition of a friend: Someone that will always have your back.
Boyfriend? Someone that has your back but loves?
To me its the same except for that STUPID word LOVE.
Love? closest thing we have to magic..
Never ever ever felt this word.Why is it so important?
Five months and still no feeling.
Its done.finished.over.
Me? Im happy.
Friends will always have your back but
boyfriends=Overrated.Take it easy.relax.
Everything will happen
and us? Friends&Happy